Ashes & new pages to burn
Those of you that know me, really truly know the writer behind Sadistic Excess, know that I’ve struggled with writing here for some time. The blog was originally started for N, who you’ve known through my writing here and through her own brief appearances. I wrote to her, so that she would understand what I was thinking.
At some point, yes, I did get lost in the sensational joy of having people like my work. I did live somewhat off the commentary highs like any writer does from time to time I suppose – scan comments, read reviews and otherwise place our faith and confidence in your hands rather than our own. I enjoyed the debate, and yes, the slight hit affection some of you would indicate towards me. It made and makes me smile still. (even if I think you give me waaay too much credit.)
And slowly, I started to just write for me. As something I enjoyed doing. And I still enjoy writing, and have been writing, just not here, and I have to ask myself why that is. Part of it is the changing nature of my relationship with N. It’s funny how things change as the years pass.
I find now that it seems wrong, almost, to write here, when its goal was for another purpose. I could, I suppose, just pick up as if nothing had happened, as if the last chapter of my life, spanning a decade +, hadn’t happened, but that isn’t me.
You all know if you read back, how I feel about deleting work. We have seen blogs come and go by strong authors, that for one reason or another get wrapped up in life and go back and regret feeling one way or another. I can’t say I regret. I do not regret loving N. I do not regret writing for her.
Every emotion, every word that is on this blog is there because she spawned it. I am here because she pushed me to start this place, and as such to delete all of that work, would not only send a ‘fuck you’ to her (which she doesn’t deserve), it would tell you all that somehow I am ashamed of having felt that way. I am not.
However, given that I need to write, and that it cannot be here, I am making a few changes. This blog, such as it is, will be stripped and housed neatly on a server owned by wordpress. All of the archives, all of the words will be there, and you can read them to your heart’s content. If wordpress deletes it, or if it goes to the wind, well, my apologies. I’m not reposting it anywhere else (but I will keep my copy.) This place, however, the one where I spend my money to host, where I spend my time staring at a blank screen, will change and be started fresh.
I hope you’ll walk the new path with me. It will be a change for both of us.
To My readers: Thank you for taking the time to drop me a line when you have. I am not great at responding like I should be, but I do read each and every one. If you didn’t get a response, its most likely because the answer was too complicated and was put on my back burner to address ‘when I had time.’ My apologies.
To the two readers that still have my copies of the Gargoyle, well, I purchased a new one. To all my other readers, don’t wait on it. I’ve already lost two in my project, I’m not sending the third one out.
Thank you for allowing me to kidnap your mind once in a while. There is no greater flattery to a writer than someone who comes back for more.
As I was, as I am and as I will continue to be,
D
It takes courage to deliberately choose a new path and set out on it. Even more to identify the need and address it. I very much look forward to reading more of your writing in the future, but moreover I wish you peace on whatever path this takes for you.
Writers always take their readers places. Of course we’ll go with you on your new path. Glad to still have the marked-up map of where you’ve taken us so far.
As on who loves deleting and gets a kick out of verbal mandalas being destroyed, I do remember you telling me long ago not to delete. I did, of course, but not all. Some is languishing in archives, forgotten by all.
I readily agree that moving and changing is dy-no-mite, so I am all eyeballs.
Read you later.
This makes complete sense to me. When I started reading you, I was blogging under a different name. Since then, my life has changed and I no longer felt I was that person. I saved my writing, deleted my old blog, transferred my work over and became who I am today. Here I am, following your journey.
Thank you for respecting your readers with the care you are taking to preserve your previous writing while moving on to a new creative venture.
I’m glad you’ll be continuing to write. I have a complicated relationship with the delete button. I’ve only ever deleted posts/blogs from public view. I always keep copies … like old journals, they tend to carry lives of their own and I cannot murder my words.
ETA: oh, and the edit button is still here! Funny, the things that bring a smile … thank you.
I have regretted and deleted. I have deleted and regretted. Maybe I should run more instead…
I’m glad that you’re going to house this blog elsewhere. I have enjoyed reading it and it’d be a shame to see it disappear like so many others.
But the change makes sense and I’m happy to walk this new path with you.
p.s. sorry to hear your book project didn’t work out. Some can be so inconsiderate it’s annoying. Don’t blame you for not sending out the third copy, I wouldn’t either.
You were right, I was just to naive to get it…but, You were so very right.
*too
i’ve remained quiet for some time; now is the time to break the silence – Only to wish you the best and many blessings on your newest venture.
i consider myself extremely blessed and fortunate to have found this blog, and to have been granted a view to your way of thinking, feeling and the depth of the love and, sometimes even anger, frustation and insight that you so willingly and openly shared.
i understand so many things so much better, now that i’ve seen through your eyes, heart and lens, D…
in gratitude,
a longtime reader
Been there done that, looking forward to watching you disciver your new path
Having hidden behind fiction all my blog-life, I admire anyone who is willing to be publicly self-reflective. I admire it even more when it’s as raw, honest and erudite as yours has been.
The people we love shape our lives in myriad ways and it’s a brave man who will admit to it. A braver man still who will let love etch itself in what he leaves behind. This is a wonderful, intensely human chronicle.
Good luck with whatever it is you decide to write in the future. I know it will be good.
I have never blogged. I came across your blog through Remittance Girl and fell in too deep to climb out. I love all of your writing and checked faithfully for new or, new to me, writings. Wish you well and look forward to the new writings. I just wish I could have found the continuation for the Abduction series……