of flesh and tied to earth

I am not a perfect creature, but what challenges I face, I’m honest about.  I am a jealous person by nature.  Arrogant.  I am addicted to work.  I have a temper that would blow you out of the water.  I enjoy violence.  I am manipulative, secretive and I don’t trust readily, or easily.  And I’m quick to retract it and just not tell you where you lost me.

Protective bullshit, you know.

I happen to like my bubble.  I know what I can control, what I cannot control, and what is left to someone else to decide.  I’ve just been let down so damn frequently, well, I now minimize what is in someone else’s control.

This method of thinking lead me down a path medically, where I’d never think to find myself.  Unhealthy.  I’ll spare you the details, but it caused me to temporarily lose my ability to run.  I had a terrible fucking headache for two months that would not go away.  And I was just fucking miserable.

Granted, aside from stir crazy and the little snippets of extra sleep I could grab by not waking up at 4 something in the morning to do my run, I handled it… okay.  Not great.  And even though that scare is gone now, and a lingering regime of medication remains, someone very close to me asked me to analyze what brought me to that place.

Work, I responded automatically, but that isn’t the true answer here.  My work life contributed, absolutely, but it was how I managed my work that did it.  See the above ‘do it myself’ reference.  I did it all.

I have trained my staff to defer to me to often, so frequently that the response is automatic.  It is rather like needing a question answered and always asking someone else, rather than finding the answer on your own.  Anyone – anyone – who has been through education, or college knows that one values the answers they find themselves.

I made them ineffective at executing without deferring to me.  Part of this is my control streak, the dominant.. and part of it is just not TRUSTING them to get it handled well.  See, I don’t like to see mistakes and everyone makes them.

So, to that end, I outlined my team, starting with my key staff.  I have a power structure in place that wasn’t being used.  It will be now.  My phone will ring only for X, Y or Z.  If it isn’t death, blood or dismemberment, I can wait for the email.  I am to be CC’d on anything important (BUT) the response will come from my team, not directly from me.

They will be earning their paychecks.

In the meantime, introspection has set in.  I am amazed at how well this has already gone, but don’t trust (ha) that it will remain so  just yet.  I await the next disaster to truly measure the strength of my newly forged chain.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the new time.  I keep expecting withdrawal symptoms to set in, but they haven’t…. yet.  It’s spring.  Baseball season is in full swing, I’ll get my glove and go toss the ball with my favorite boys.  (Take that however you will.)

2010

03/25

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